The Discipline of Forgiveness

I am standing on the side of the basketball court with my notebook writing down each play that our sweet, little 3rd Grade girls team is executing.  With each volley of plays up and down the court, I see the girls look to their coach to make sure they know what they are to do and then immediately look to their parents in the stands to get an approving or encouraging look.
One of those plays was my precious, tall, but uncoordinated gal.  She has worked out a reward system with her daddy for her rebounds.  So, naturally, when she surprises even herself with a fantastic rebound, her eyes instantly focus on dad and the energy between them can be felt even from the sidelines.  Her face remains glowing throughout the rest of the game.
As an observer of the human plot, I am flooded with a gratitude for having my own family.  As a child of divorce, multiple divorces, the thought of having a family of three, all with the same last name is like holding the winnings of a lottery ticket.  It seems so undeserved.  Yet, I know when my odds were greatly increased - the day Brian and I made the act of forgiveness a discipline verses a theory.
Lots of couples believe in the theory of forgiveness.  It is probably one of the most talked about characteristics of marriage discussed in any type of marriage counseling or church study for couples.  But a discussion as a theory falls incredibly short of the actual discipline of doing it frequently with a person who is in your world and in your space more often than not.
I was once told that I could forgive a person not asking for forgiveness by choosing to throw them out of my head and heart and of course after the "Boundaries" course, out of my life.  This concept is forgiveness as a theory.  The theory clearly being, "out of sight, out of mind."
This theory is not feasible in marriage.
Brian and I both recognize that our face alone at times will bring to remembrance a serious grievance.  So, what do you do with that?  A walking reminder smack dab in front of your face.
So, how do you combat that?
We believe with your thoughts.  When the story of grievance pops into your head you dismiss it immediately.  I have always chosen to say, "not helpful" the minute an ill thought of a past story creeps in.  Why?  Because it isn't helpful.  Yesterday is not today and to create drama today instead of enjoying what is available today is just simply - unreasonable and not helpful.
Keeping this strict discipline of thought allows both parties to address what is only present, not diving into past mistakes.  It also allows for the moments of unhindered joy.  Not a, "this is great, considering..."
Just in the moment - appreciation and joy.
My daughter is far from the best player on the team, but she has a gift that many children today do not have - a family.

God Bless, the Climber

I find so much joy in observing human behavior and articulating it from my perspective.

Lately, I have been observing beautifully talented people losing heart in their talents, losing heart in their businesses, and unfortunately, some losing heart in their own gifting.  At first glance, I felt a heaviness and a sadness watching these situations and the men and women walking out these trials.  Talent being criticized, talent being belittled, talent being pushed to the curb and heartless individuals believing they are right in behaving so poorly.

But after a much deeper look, I am realizing that our 26th President, Theodore Roosevelt said it best about such critics, when he said:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly.  So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

So, to the cold, timid souls who are afraid - to these cowards, I would like to say:

You may use your words, you may use your positioning and your credentials, you may even lie, cheat and steal to get your way - but at the end of the day you live a spineless human existence.  You will not know the valiancy of seeing dreams become a reality.  You will not know what it feels like to have those who believe in you stand by your side as you fail and urge you to get up.  You will not know the steady steps that lead to a finale - a victory.  You live dead.  You live only able to criticize to cover your inept ability to invent.  My hope for you is a look in the mirror and a change.  My heart breaks for you because you are quickly becoming numb, and your numbness will someday bring you an anguish you cannot imagine.

And to those beautiful souls that are taking a beating, I would like to say:

You are my hero.  Aside from having the talent, you have the understanding of the weight of bitterness; therefore, you continue to forgive your critics.  You may have stopped listening, but you have forgiven for the sake of your continued soar.  Right now, you may be knocked down, but you are only perplexed. You are not defeated.  You will climb to the mountaintops.  You will climb because you are a climber and that is what you do - who you are.  Those of us who love you will hold your cord as you climb.  We cannot prevent a fall, but we will break it because you are our friend.

God Bless, the Climber.

New Year, Old You

I love fresh starts.  I love the idea, the talk, the irony of sitting down with a bowl of ice cream planning a year of not eating it.  All new, all never been done before - NOT.
There is nothing new under the sun according to Solomon.  I bet there is not much new to our new year's resolutions either.
This year, I challenge us to pursue LIFE.  Instead of writing up a bunch of do's and don'ts, let's just pursue observing what it means to truly live.  Let's look in the mirror and be honest with where we actually are today and what parts of us are not fully alive and ask ourselves - why?
Life is for the living.
Tally ho, let's go!

Peace

We have now fully entered into the season of beautiful words of peace and well wishes being scribbled on cards, emailed and now mentioned as a facebook status.  From a rhetoric perspective, I love this time of the year.  Open dialog of love and self-expression is at my core as a person - thrive on it.
But articulating words of wisdom and living them can truly be two very different things.  So, I am going to share some incredible advice I received this morning from my dearest and oldest friend...

"Stand at the crossroads and look;

ask for the ancient paths,

ask where the good way is, and walk in it,

and you will find rest for your souls."

I wish for all of the dear, sweet souls who read this blog to receive peace this year.  Peace after you have fully evaluated what is the good way and chosen to be authentic in it.  Peace - fully alive.

Pay Off

When I was twenty years old I took the biggest risk of my life.  I met this boy, he had this great strut and his presence could be felt over fifty feet away.  I couldn't stop my stare.  We talked it up for hours.  Talked about who we wanted to be someday and who we thought God might be.
I wanted to forget him.  I wanted to be able to just walk away like I always did and just forget him.
I didn't.  I couldn't.  So, I broke all of my unwritten rules and married him as a kid - huge risk, the ultimate risk.
Now, eighteen years after being drawn to the swagger and the holes in his jeans, I still can't forget him.
He seems to keep stealing my heart, my affection - my attention.  He has most of me.  More honestly, he created the portions I am most proud of about myself.  Discipline, taking risks, making me fight for authenticity - he coached and enamored, I listened.
When I was a little girl I thought that love was a wicked fairytale that ended poorly.  The story took you to love's bliss and just before the happily ever after came the army of ruin demolished the concept of love.
That isn't true.
Marriage isn't a fairytale.  Marriage is knowing you can't forget the person you love.  It is that sense of loss that can even bring tears to your eyes if you even dream or imagine something happening to him.
I took a huge risk, but the real risk would have been the horrible life of wondering how he could go on without me.

Thank you, Brian, for not making me find out what life would have been like without you :)

The Gift of Time

So, by now you have probably stood in a long line or scrolled on-line looking for the perfect gift for someone.  It is the craziest month.  A month of consumerism and anxiety.
But it doesn't have to be.  For most of us, the calm comes as we really listen to what other people want....our time.
This year my daughter put over five board games on her "want" list.  I stood baffled by the list.  She has a Wii, a DS, an iPod...games and music are at her disposal.  My hope was to add to the collections, but no, she put at the very top, most wanted game - LIFE.  Yes, the board game LIFE.  The one that is celebrating 50 years.
I actually laughed out loud as I ordered the game.  I remembered wanting the game myself at her age.
Then it hit me.  She wants the exact same thing I wanted when I put that game on my list.  Not the game, but the time and people it takes to play it.  Like me, she has realized that parents who purchase a game like this are going to be forced to play it - which translates to a lot of time together as a family.
In reality my daughter has asked for what most children are asking for - time with their parents.
Someday she may not desire our time as much.  Someday I may be the one dragging the old, tattered LIFE game out of the closet begging her to play one more time before she leaves for college.  And maybe, just maybe, she might play with me before she leaves if I give her, this year, the gift of time.

Good Advice

I am quickly learning the sustaining impact of good advice.  It transcends time and after a period it doesn't even matter who the dispenser of the advice is, it just has to be truly good advice.
A piece of advice that has impacted my life and shaped a lot of my personality came from my mom.
I cannot even remember the first time it was stated, but it became a mantra in our home and more importantly a mantra in my own head.  Here it is,
"Don't compare your worst with other people's best."
Can you imagine how helpful that was in high school, those years you are using cover up for zits like crazy?  Yep, it was most helpful.
But the help lasted much longer than through growing pains, the advice shaped a mindset of personal acceptance.  I have been blessed with believing that everyone has a worst and a best and to even attempt to compare those is just foolish.  How can you know which you are comparing?
So, I don't and I haven't spent too much time concerned about comparing which has led to a lot of undeserved self-confidence.  The funny here is that I walked away with that advice even taking it a step further to assume that I have a best that maybe I haven't even seen yet.  Yes, I actually walked away with hope of a better me.